Broken men with broken hearts...
As in water face answereth to face,so the heart of man to man. Proverbs 27:19
We live in an age where selfies are popular. In this weird twilight zone, almost everyone seems to crave and hog the limelight screaming "Look at me... notice me! Yet behind some of these handsome male faces and dreamy eyes are broken men with broken hearts.
Approximately a week ago, I wrote a blog, " From Atheist to Admirer: From Love to Hate", where I spoke about being born in a dysfunctional home and its effects on my life at a very young age. This personal expression strongly resonated with men, which was very surprising. In fact, the very same day I published the blog, I had a phone counseling session that lasted almost two hours and this upwardly mobile, Black man, angrily and sincerely poured out his heart to me. I had questioned if I was being too personal in my blog share, but this experience encouraged me. I decided to share the testimonial, not only because of this one encounter but in late June and July, I had similar encounters. The dam of emotions was leaking from Mid-summer, but now in September the dam is broken and the cistern is no longer able to hold and store the long-locked emotions and words in the lives of several of my "caseloads". Men were opening up about their own family hurts, broken relations, dreams, and hearts. Last week, a young man, walked into Narda Pella, and his story touched my heart.
Yet today is not the time to tell his story, perhaps over the course of the rest of the year, I will be able to share all their stories to help someone else to consider their own family and broken mirrors. Today, I will share *Blake's story.
Blake is a married man, a few years shy of 50 years old. He is the "almost" middle child of his family; like most "middle children" he felt overlooked and overshadowed his entire childhood, and in this case, his entire life. At a young age, he once asked his father: " Dad, am I your child?" This is no light matter as it reveals the gravity of the mental burdens that as a young man he carried and still carries today. Why? "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life."Proverbs 4:23
Blake has many siblings. There was not enough quality time and affection available to parents who were busy trying to make a living and at the same time provide for their children. He didn't get the attention of the older siblings, nor the affection of the younger ones either. He felt lonely and cold.
He tried hard to spend quality time and favor with his father, but nothing seemed to make a difference. His father always seemed to spend more time " with his favorite son"; give "his favorite daughter" anything she wanted; and poured out all his favor on others in the community while he had to scrape around for the scraps.
In Blake's teen and young adult years, he became increasingly bitter and resentful towards his Father. He desperately wanted his father to acknowledge him and pour out more of his love upon him, but he only recounted that his father didn't do anything major for him. He spoke of being dropped off at college and never being visited by his dad, but in contrast, his sister who went to school around the same time was given all the money and visits while he literally received " bags of change" which he saved and has in a safe even today. He admitted that His father helped him to get the job that still sustains him today, but the thing he desired the most, he has never received... the feeling of belonging and love that only His father could have provided.
He did many things in his more mature young years to gain his father's admiration and friendship; he didn't smoke; he always made sure he didn't embarrass his father by being involved in brawls, fights, or drunken debauchery. Yet he felt very cheated because as a religious man, his father was very well respected and generous to his neighbors, but to Blake, his father was good to outsiders, not him. He felt his father was a super selfish man who only called him to ask for help or " check on his favorite son" . Blake got so hurt and angry that one day he lashed out, " What about me, Aren't I your son too?" Years of hurt and resentment began to open up wounds that had never healed.
One such wound was that during Blake's teen years, he was groomed by an older man, a family fiend, who took advantage of him and sexually molested him for years. He would always buy him gifts and give him money, but his family only thought he was being a nice guy. He raped Blake of his childhood innocence and introduced him to more pain. Blake didn't know he was taken advantage of until he was watching a talk show addressing such issues. He cried and became even more angry at his parents, and especially his father, for letting this happen under their noses.
His brokenness became apparent in his relationships. He became a "dog", and slept around with many women. He used them and left them one by one. He would become angry and frustrated in his relationships when he felt disrespected or frustrated with life and would physically vent on some of his women and eventually when he decided to settle down, his wife too. He began seeing a therapist because he wanted to work on his marriage. He also shared his abuse with some of his siblings and also his wife.
When I began mental health consultation and counseling with Blake in the past few years, I encouraged him to talk with his father about his abuse, anger and hurt. I was sure that it would start a wonderful healing process. He had so much bottled up inside, yet like many children, they would self-suffer because they didn't want to hurt their parent's feelings. Much bigger than hurting their parent's feelings, they repulse being rejected after daring to show the cracks in their mirrors... the holes in their heart that begged to be filled by the imperfect love of a parent and then the perfect healing love of God.
Blake has not been interested in building his relationship with God, because he believes his father's self-absorbedness makes him unchristian. He blames the church... but I told Him his view of God is negatively colored by the lens in which he views his father. Until that lens is cleared, he may never have the healing that he truly needs. Many people turn away from God because of what their parents continue to do to break their hearts.
He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
Blake has begun the conversation with his dad. Because his father has been running from the conversation, sometimes Blake lashes out to hurt him... He recently spoke to his father disrespectfully, telling him that he is the reason that he is so angry and unhappy. Despite the frustration that was evident and the tiredness that was creeping in because he kept failing to get the audience he so desperately needed, I encouraged him once again to talk to his father, no matter what. This is the time to heal so that he can allow God to make him a better person. Since he was no longer physically abusive towards his wife, perhaps he could continue to save his marriage while creating a safer home for love to grow and blossom.
Pray with me for all the Blakes who are hurting today because they view God through the broken mirrors of family hurts and betrayal; abuse and neglect; hate and resentment. These broken perspectives create an unnecessary wall between them and God who is the only one who can help all of us face our pasts with their looming insecurities. He is the only one who can successfully navigate our deepest wounds and permanently suture them leaving no scars. He alone can soften the hearts of those whom you long to allow you enough room into their hearts and not shut you in with them but nurture you outwardly with all the expressions that are your love language.
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22
Listening to Blake talk about his childhood family and his marital family... as angry and frustrated as he is...he still longs for something better, without finding it elsewhere. This also mirrors the heart of God. Jesus longs to fix the broken hearts of broken men, but broken men must first give Him their most valued possessions: Their pride, their will ...their hearts.
"My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways." Proverbs 23:26
***Responders please remember to be kind with your words.
Song to Encourage: From A Distance (God is Watching Us)
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Broken Men...
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Touching….
There’s so much brokenness around us, we can only pray that the light of God’s love will shine through and restore this brokenness into the beautiful life He’s called us to live🙏🏿🙏🏿♥️
The Lord hears the cry of the broken hearted….indeed! Lifting up all the “Blake’s and their families 🙏🏿